So many of us had this unpleasant and awkward situation present itself. I know for myself that holidays were OVERLY stressful for me when my mother and ex husband were in active addiction. It was luck of the draw on what type of personality you got that day. And little eyes are always watching. They may not remember what Granny got them for Christmas in 1999 but they’ll remember Uncle Joe and Aunt Barbera fist fighting and breaking all the china because they were drunk or hi.
So how do we manage? The key is expectations and boundaries.
First of all- talk about the elephant in the room. If you know that the last 5 years were stressful because of someone else’s addiction, make a game plan. You call each other and plan who is bringing what finger foods, drinks, sweets, and all of that right? Planning our expectations and what makes EVERYONE (including your addict) comfortable is no different. Don’t gossip after the fact. Discuss what the potential issues may be, and how a resolution can be found beforehand. Let’s not do trial and error this year.
THE ACTIVELY USING ADDICT
Whoaaaaa is this tricky. There is no clear-cut answer on this. But there are plenty options. Some families don’t include them. And while for some that may be the best option, it may backfire. Someone in active addiction is already feeling isolation, distance from the family, shame, guilt, and who knows what else. Banning them from the family functions may actually drive them to further substance use.
There will be some that see this as a prime opportunity to do an intervention. Since most of the family is present, it may be the right time. I don’t know. But PLEASE do your homework. Understand whose words will move on your addict and whose words will put more distance between them and sobriety. A poorly executed intervention may be detrimental to everyone involved.
Everyone’s safety should be the top priority. (Especially the children that are present.) Firm boundaries/rules should be set. Have a conversation before, explaining what will not be tolerated. Explain the consequences that will follow if these boundaries are crossed. But please handle all conversations with kindness.
THE PERSON IN RECOVERY
Manage YOUR expectations. Yes you read that right. YOURS! If you are on Cloud 9 because Aunt Barbera is fresh out of rehab and you can’t wait to spend the day with her- she gets there and seems noticeably irritable what does your mood do? You are instantly let down. Because you put your happiness and expectations in someone else’s actions.
That’s not healthy. Your mindset needs to be on what YOU can do to make your day exciting and happy. Imagine the stress they may be dealing with. Addiction sets the scene for someone to bestow hurt on those they love. That hurt doesn’t disappear once they get sober. The fact that they show up shows they’re trying.
We all know that alcohol plays a big part in these gatherings. Regardless of someone’s DOC (drug of choice) alcohol is tempting.
You can’t babysit. And you SHOULDN’T! Don’t hover over them. Don’t walk on eggshells. Go about your normal day. You don’t need to take all the alcohol out of the house. They know what they can tolerate and what they can’t.
So if you are in recovery I encourage you to have a plan. Here are a few ideas:
–Prepare an Emergncy Kit
Have your sponsors contact info readily available. You wouldn’t go to a boxing match without your gloves would you? Prepare yourself. Bring your own drinks to the function. “No thanks, I’ve brought my own today.”
–Come Early and Leave Early.
If you don’t feel comfortable being around others while they drink, come early and leave early. For most families, drinking tends to rise later in the day. So don’t feel obligated to sit around and be present. You came and you conquered! Leaving early may be best for you.
–Recognize Stressful Situations
If a situation presents itself that would trigger you to use, just leave. You don’t need to explain that to anyone. You are the only one in control.
Regardless of your role with this uninvited guest (addiction), you have got to learn to let go. Take the time out for self-care. Reach out to support groups: NA, Al-anon, AA, Celebrate Recovery and so many others. Spend time learning this disease and your role. And enjoy your gathering.
And if this type of gathering would only cause you stress – don’t go. It’s that simple. This is a time for peace and love. And let’s face it, not all families are Hallmark Christmas movie worthy 🤷🏼♀️. It’s just facts. We all have a little dysfunction and some have a lot lol.
If the unthinkable happens, and there is a slip at a function (your addict engages in drinking or other things) address it. Be kind yet firm. There is no room for shaming or guilt trips. It’s their mess up. Let them handle it.
Enjoy your holidays, make good memories, and live life. Much love to you all! Merry Christmas 🎄🎁