Resentment- a byproduct of loving an addict

When shit gets deep, put your boots on and walk through it.

I went to an alanon meeting today. I’ve missed going the last few weeks. If you know me, you’ll notice I don’t care to be the center of attention. Public speaking isn’t my thing, but embarking on this new journey has forced me to face this fear. They asked me to chair the meeting, and the question caught me off guard.

I hadn’t planned a topic, so I flipped through the index of one day at a time in alanon and decided on resentment. I announced our topic and read the first reading. One sentence stuck out at me and I realized I needed to reflect deeper on this.

“I will not become the victim of self-pity or resentment. If I do what I should, I will be at peace with myself.”

Mother’s Day was just a few days ago. I prepared by buying a balloon and a new solar light to put at the cemetery for my mom. I’ve made such huge progress in acceptance and understanding. However, Mother’s Day came and passed while I sat in some uncomfortable emotions. I hadn’t brought her gifts or even allowed myself to acknowledge this strange knocking from within.

I realized that the funky emotions I was sulking in was resentment. It’s ok for me to say I still have moments where I revert back to those old coping skills. The key is to realize what it is and deal with it. Not to ignore it and stuff it away. Who wouldn’t feel a tad bit resentful that addiction has stolen her life? This monster feeds off of our silence and inability to express these complex emotions. This doesn’t make me a bad person to go through moments of resentment; I’m only human. Do I love her any less? Of course not. It’s not my mother I felt like this towards, it was the person addiction turned her into. And if I’m being honest, the person it turned me into as well. Her addiction was the middle man setting us up against each other. It turned what was once a loving mother and daughter relationship into a war zone. I can play the blame game all day long if I want to. Reality will be the same. She is gone. Addiction stole her from me. And I can be bitter, or I can heal while educating others.

Yes I brought her gifts and spent time at the cemetery, two days later. This is what I NEEDED to do. I just had to walk through it. And now I am back at a place of peace within myself. I have the alanon program and recovery community to thank for this new found freedom and understanding. There will be no victim here today. Or any day. I guess one might call that growth.

1 thought on “Resentment- a byproduct of loving an addict”

  1. You are one tough young lady and I am very proud of you for not only being brave enough to share so humbly here but to acknowledge and accept that you are in the process of growth. Mad respect for you, thanks for sharing 🙏❤

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