Reports show that over 20 million people nationwide suffer from drug & alcohol abuse. How alarming! If I take a look at my own situation, for one addict in my family there are at least 10 people directly affected by her death. So simple math would show that if this were true for every one of these 20 million users, that would be two hundred MILLION people that addiction has altered their lives. Let that sink in for a second. And this is just in the USA.
So now, we have two hundred MILLION people caught up in this tangled web. That would make me one insignificant number. It wasn’t the easiest road to walk. But I have learned that you can love someone suffering from this disease, but you have to love yourself more. If loving them is causing you to neglect yourself, then you need to do some reevaluating. Can you keep them in your life and not lose yourself? Yes? No? Maybe? Be mindful.
A quick overview of my story:
I lost my mother to addiction at the very young age of 36. She died the day after her birthday. That birthday was spent brain dead on life support, while we all took turns holding her hands, wiping her face, writing letters, bringing birthday cards, praying for a miracle, and just trying to grasp what was happening. It wasn’t your typical overdose situation. She had actually tried to get clean. And to do it, on her own without medical supervision. What a dangerous dance with the devil that was. Addiction won. She ultimately had a seizure while detoxing causing her to go too long without oxygen to her brain.
This lifestyle was all I had known. I knew how to doctor shop, roll a blunt, crush a pill, and just how many uses a brillo pad can have before I could even legally drive a car. This is way more common than you think. I would have done anything, and I do mean ANYTHING to help my mom get sober and stay that way. I can remember having conversations with her, not long before her death, begging her to go to rehab. Promising, that if she did, when she got out I would help with a house and whatever she needed to stay clean.
It didn’t work. It took her loss, and the past decade of grief and growth, for me to see that there is nothing wrong with loving an addict, but you have to love yourself more. Their demons will swallow you whole, and spit you back out only to do it over and over again. Sobriety is absolutely attainable. Only that person can make it happen. You can move the moon, sun, and stars to help but until they are ready it won’t happen. I’ve gone through so many emotions. Guilt, Anger, Confusion, and did I mention Anger? Her choices just ate me up. It rippled through to my entire life. Life as a mother, wife, friend, etc.
I was so angry. Always, with no idea why. I would be ready to fight at the drop of a hat. I could argue with a wall and I promise you I would win. It took years before I realized I was mad because I had never dealt with what happened. If I was mad, then I didn’t have to feel hurt. I could make someone else hurt instead. How can you love someone suffering, and not lose yourself? What did you do? Find a support group, do some research, hit your knees in Church? Whatever the case may be, you have to love yourself more.
See the cycle here? Her addiction rippled through to everything. It touched everything and everyone who knew her. It’s still affecting my everyday life. Only now, I choose to stop being angry and share my story with all of you. Find the way to love yourself more. And when you have hard days; not knowing which way to turn-connect with us here. We understand.