I don’t know how we got here. I’m not sure when things changed for us. When you’re a mother, you think the worst-case scenario is your daughter marrying a man you don’t approve of. I never took into accountability the power meth could have over my child. I thought of myself as the force to be reckoned with in my daughter’s world. If she needed a good stern push, I was always the one to do so. I am learning now; I am just a bystander to my daughter’s dance with addiction.
As a child, she was shy and quiet. Sage is the baby of my three children. She had a tiny group of friends. We went through school with her as a typical teenager. Doing all the projects, essays, school dances, and fundraisers. There was nothing that indicated to me that our life would change so drastically.
She graduated from High School. Her graduation marked an end to an era for me. I can now relax. I’ve done my part. I’ve raised all three of my children and given them the tools needed to be successful in life. Soon after graduation, we welcome a grandchild from her.
Sage was a great mother. Dedicating all of her time and energy into her child. She put any further schooling or work efforts on hold, to raise her daughter. A few years later, she went back to work. My husband and I did the babysitting. That’s what grandparents do. It wasn’t until the baby went to Kindergarten that Sage started using pills. Then, the summer before First Grade, she went to meth.
I asked to keep the baby and she allowed. I’ve watched as my child has been to rehab twice, psychiatric inpatient hospital three times, and jail three times. She’s out in the streets and doesn’t come home for weeks. She calls periodically, but I have no clue where she is or what she is doing. Meth has been her drug of choice. It’s taken the place of all of us in her life. One of my biggest fears is that she turns to heroin.
The drugs have damaged her brain. She has schizophrenia now, and the psychiatrist says her brain may never heal. She’s paranoid and hears voices. It’s terrible. When she is here and taking her meds she’s better. But still not like before. She will take the meds for a month or two and then stop because she feels better. It’s one of the most vicious cycles I’ve ever witnessed.
The baby is almost 9 now and living with her dad. I get to see her and be involved in her life. The most heart-wrenching thing is watching her cry, because she doesn’t understand why her mother is not around. She knows her mom is sick, and her brain doesn’t work right. We haven’t talked to her about drugs yet, but I’m sure that will come soon. I know she misses her mom, but I also miss my daughter. The one I had before meth. This person I deal with now, is not the little girl I raised.
I hope and pray that she finds her way out of this. I’m worried that her daughter will resent her. There will be hard conversations that will have to be had if she does. That all comes with the territory. I’ll take that any day over the other option. I feel so helpless as I watch this tug-of-war between my daughter and meth.
I don’t know what it’s like to be an addict. But, I know what it’s like to not know if your child is dead or alive. I know what it’s like to cry myself to sleep because I can’t fix this for her. I know what it’s like to rock my granddaughter in my lap while she cries for her mommy. I know what it’s like to feel ashamed that I don’t have answers. I also know, there are way too many people out there that know what this feels like. I have my hope and prayers. Some days that’s all I have.
-Anonymous