When Mom got so deep into addiction, I had to blame somebody. I blamed you. You were her main source for these pills. You helped her Dr. shop; you introduced her to crack (or so I thought), and you cost her-her life. She had a bed in a rehab. She could have gone to detox under medical supervision. But you didn’t want her to go, and she stayed home to detox with you instead. So many years I spent enraged at you.
I want you to know I forgive you. Now I can see she chose this lifestyle. If it weren’t with you, it would’ve been with someone else. You were just an easy target to blame. Forgiveness isn’t for you, but for me. Completely forgiving you; letting it go with no stipulations is my gift to myself. Holding on to all this anger and heartache is killing me. Whittling away at every relationship I have. As a mother, wife, woman, etc. I release this. This is no longer my cross to carry.
For the first time in my life, I can see you as just a person and not pure evil. A person who is broken just like me. You used to joke that when you died and went to hell, the devil would install an air conditioner for you. Because you weren’t going to sweat. I know now you had your own demons you were dealing with. And making us feel as if we were beneath you, comforted you in some way. It gave you power you felt you didn’t have at some other point in your life.
Maybe you were scared for her to go to rehab because you felt like you were losing control. You never had control, the pills did. You controlled the ease of access for her. You thought you were the puppet master, but it turned out the pills were the mystic manipulator. You were just the vessel being used. Maybe you didn’t want Mom to be sober because then you would’ve had to deal with your own addictions. Your own heartache. You would’ve had to untangle your own mess to get to the source of your pain that made you want to use. I’m so sorry you didn’t get there before she died.
I don’t know if you have ever figured yourself out. If you have ever found your sobriety. I hope you did. I know my mom wouldn’t want me broken. I’m picking up the pieces one day at a time. Forgiveness for me isn’t just there because I know I should feel it now. Every day I have to choose forgiveness and release this.
Will I feel this way in a few days when I’m sitting at the foot of her grave instead of spending the day with her for her birthday? Probably not. But I’ll dig deep and remind myself that forgiveness is for me. It’s for my sanity, my mental health, my life. I hope and pray that you have found your way to a better life. I pray that when you meet your maker, my prayers are all that holds you from walking into Heaven’s gates. Because I truly pray for your soul to have forgiveness. Everyone deserves it. But if you choose that hell is where you spend eternity, I pray that you get that ac. Just like you said.
I forgive you. And I say this for everyone afflicted with misdirected anger. Forgiveness is for you and your heart. You will drive yourself mad trying to figure out where their addiction started. Who introduced them to it? Their dealer? Mom? Dad? Friend? Spouse? I don’t know. But it starts with a choice.That choice was hers and hers alone. But for me, I choose to have peace.