November 2007
Fall had always been my favorite variation of Louisiana weather. It was such a welcomed change from the scorching temperature of the summer months. I laid there allowing the breeze to caress my face through the open window. I had planned a quiet day of movies at home with my fiancé, Larry. We made a regular habit of snuggling together on the couch while our baby boy slept in his swing across the room. I didn’t get much time with him anymore since having a new baby and both of us trying to work. So I opted for quality time instead of a gift. It was our one year anniversary. In just 12 short months we made the leap from complete strangers to brand new parents sharing our life together.
The earlier months had been a typhoon of change. Even though I had been accustomed to the motherly role with my younger siblings and fiancé’s other children, nothing prepared me for being a first time mom. I expected to be able to lean on my own mother a little more for help, but her growing prescription pill addiction placed a wedge between us. In a way this was what I expected, but a small part of me held onto the hope that there would be some type of normalcy to our relationship. Subconsciously, I expected this beautiful baby boy’s face to be enough to fix everything. He had the purest little blue eyes and a special smile that melted my heart. I didn’t care that he had a cleft lip. That just made his ever growing personality that much more unique. But his condition came with it’s own set of challenges and we were preparing for the first of what could be multiple corrective surgeries in the weeks to come. This was all quite a challenge for a 19 year old but I refused to buckle under the mounting pressures.
As I settled into my spot on our couch my phone rang. It was my mom. She called often because she felt the need to check on us regularly. She was over the moon excited to be a grandmother. My son was her first biological grandchild and she took tremendous pride in him. The better part of my childhood had been laced with addiction and abuse. Up until I became a mom, I thought this was just a part of life. Surely the only difference between my family and others is they must be better at hiding it. But now that I had this baby, I made it my mission to put as much distance between this drug dealing lifestyle and my son as I possibly could. I didn’t care whose feelings got hurt in the process. And if I’m being honest, it made me feel empowered to have some type of control over who and what came around my child. I didn’t feel protected when I was younger and I would be sure my son always felt safe.
Reaching to pause our movie I felt that familiar irritation creep up into my thoughts. I told her the day before that this was a special day and not to call unless it was an emergency. But I never knew if she really heard anything I told her because the amount of pills she could consume in a 24-hour period was insane. Her tolerance did nothing to help her memory that’s for sure. I hesitated for a moment before grabbing the phone and flipping it open.
“Hello?” I answered quickly
“Hey Ky, what you doing?”
“Nothing” I answered while watching Larry’s facial expression darken. I knew that look and it meant we wouldn’t have quite the special day we anticipated. His jealousy was overwhelming at times. He expected my undivided attention always.
“Oh yea, I just got back from the hospital and I’m really not feeling right.”
I exhaled loudly while rolling my eyes. Here we go I thought to myself. Her emergency room visits seemed to be coming more and more frequent. The doctors couldn’t be that stupid. They had to know she wasn’t sick or hurting; she was attempting to get pills.
“Well, I bet you don’t feel right!! Didn’t you drink last night? Don’t you claim to have Crohn’s and Lupus? I’m sure drinking isn’t the best thing for that! Quit being so damn stupid. I’m tired of always having to hear your whining and complaining! Get your shit together!” I rattled off in one full breath. I knew better than to give her the opportunity to speak. She could argue with a wall if she wanted to.
“I’m feeling bad sis. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I signed myself out of the hospital. Fuck that place! They left me sitting in the room for hours, didn’t even check on me!”
“I bet they didn’t! They aren’t stupid mom, you were probably fucked up when you got there so they were letting you sober up before examining you.” I replied as Larry pulled his arm out from under my head to sit up in frustration.
“I told you Kylie Anne, I’m sober!” She yelled back at me. “I quit! I meant it when I said I was quitting.”
“OK Mom, I bet”
Click….. Then I heard the familiar dial tone.
That’s what she did when I said things that got under her skin. She didn’t like the bull-headed woman I had become when it was directed towards her. Our relationship had been so strained the last few years. I ran out of patience with her. We could hardly even have a conversation anymore. One minute we were talking and holding fluent conversation and the next she was drooling while her cigarette burned holes in my couch. I told her I didn’t want her smoking in my house. But she thought my rules didn’t apply to her.
“Awe girl shut up! My cigarette won’t hurt that baby!” That was her famous line. She reminded me often that she smoked while I was growing up and I turned out fine. However my lungs may have told you a different story. Her tone was usually joking but she sure didn’t move to put that cigarette outside either. She was one hard headed woman.
I wasted no time erasing our conversation from my mind. This hostile and frustrated exchange of words seemed to be our new normal way of communicating. She may have been mad but I knew she would sleep it off and I would find out the real story later. I promised Larry a quiet day at home with just our family and that’s what we would have. I wasn’t going to argue with her. I settled myself back on the couch with him and tried to salvage the day before his attitude took a permanent change for the worst.
Just as we were getting back into our movie the phone rang again. This couldn’t be happening. I let everyone know that I wouldn’t be available today. Why were they blowing my phone up?
“Hello!” I answered as I fell to the floor. This day wasn’t going as planned.
“Ky, it’s Granny you need to go to the hospital.”
“Oh lord, I already know. I talked to her earlier. She isn’t even there anymore. She signed herself out because they weren’t tending to her fast enough.”
“No Kylie, she isn’t responsive.” She replied breathlessly. “It’s not good. She was just picked up by ambulance. You need to get there.”
“What? Who called you? Why the hell didn’t they call me?” I asked
“Mike called. He said EMT’s were doing CPR in the front yard and just loaded her in the ambulance. Do you need me to come get you?”
“Well why isn’t anyone asking questions?” I didn’t even pause for her reply. “Yes I’m getting ready.”
Click. I slammed that Motorola flip phone shut in a split second and was on my feet the next. I went from a quiet day of movies and relaxation to being thrown into a tornado of uncertainty that had just dropped its cyclone cloud right over my world. It wasn’t planning on leaving soon. This whirlwind of chaos just blew harder as I scrambled to fix bottles and measure formula for the diaper bag. There was a trail of baby items from the bedroom door to the couch where I tossed the diaper bag down to get my son ready. I swaddled my bundle of joy and brought him in close for a quick kiss and a hug.
“I’m sorry I had to wake you up sweet boy.” I whispered into his perfect little ear. “Your Grammy (this is the name my mother had chosen for her grandson to call her) decided to pull a fast one on us.” I spoke as if I expected him to understand what was going on. Explaining it out loud was my way of also telling his dad that I was bailing on our date day. As I buckled him into his carseat I heard Granny’s familiar horn blowing outside. I apologized to my fiancé and quickly made my way to her car with my son and all the necessities required for an outing with a new baby.
Larry didn’t bother to offer to keep our son for me. He was too busy stewing in his own puddle of irritation. It upset him that I put my family first on our anniversary. It wasn’t like I could dictate to my mother when to make these impromptu emergency room visits. Her addiction was so advanced that if she didn’t have the pills, withdrawals would begin. Even though I wasn’t living with her anymore, it still felt like my job to tend to her. That was just what our dynamic had evolved into. And I would not explain that to Larry or anyone else for that matter.
As we drove across town, I couldn’t help but think of how I would chew her out for pulling this. My poor Granny was distraught and so nervous. I watched as her hands gripped marks into the steering wheel.
“Granny, can you believe she has gone this far? Who fakes this type of situation?” I asked in a matter of fact tone.
“I don’t know Ky, Michael sounded….” Her reply trailed off as she made the corner coming up into the hospital parking lot.
I had gotten so immune to her antics that she would have to drop dead in my sight for me to believe there was a real situation. Those poor EMT’s didn’t know what they were up against with her. It was the ER staff that dealt with her regularly. As we drove around for a parking spot I kept thinking of the frantic sound in Granny’s voice when she called. Deep in the pit of my stomach I knew this had to be something more. I dismissed it and put back on my tough girl exterior. I didn’t have time to let my thoughts get the best of me.
As we approached the hospital doors I notice about half of the population from the south side of the tracks congregating outside. You would swear they were there for a town meeting. I ignore a few in particular who called out to me asking what I knew about “ma Shannon”. This is what a lot of the neighborhood misfits called my mom. They may have different financial or family reasons for living in a low income neighborhood near us, but they all had one thing in common. They were part of the black market pill pushing crew that was flooding the small town of Jennings. Their criminal collaboration generated a bond with my mom that I felt left out of at times. Even in her addiction she had the biggest heart for those unfortunate souls. The way my mom mothered to them was probably the only sense of family they would ever experience but it didn’t stop me from feeling a twinge of jealousy.
Straightening my shoulders I marched myself past them and up to the desk with the car seat swinging at the bend in my elbow.
“I need to be let in the back, to Shannon’s room!” I hissed through pursed lips. My irritation was pulsating out around me.
The clerk’s curious eyes studied me briefly before looking over at a list on the far end of her desk. “Shannon who?” She asked carefully.
“Shannon! She just came in by ambulance. I’m her daughter and I need to go in.” I wasn’t asking. I was dictating exactly what she was going to do.
I watched as her facial expression softened. “One moment please. Let me call and see if anyone else is allowed in the back yet. Usually when an ambulance comes in nobody is allowed until the patient’s condition is stable.”
I stood there anxiously tapping my fingers on her cold desk. I wondered how long it would be before they realized that my mom was faking it. While the clerk waited on information, I set the infant seat down to give my arm a break. My son had fallen back asleep on the car ride and I still couldn’t get enough of his sweet little face. I spent a moment brushing his long blonde bangs out of his eyes.
“I’m sorry mam, but you will have to wait out here. Our staff is trying to stabilize your mother at this time.”
Was she really telling me no? She must have not known just who she was up against here. My cheeks flushed and I slammed the palm of my hand on the table. “That’s my mother! You won’t tell me I can’t go back there. Open that damn door right now!”
The waiting room fell silent. All of the small talk that had previously filled the air around us came to a screeching halt. My words hung in the air between us and she took a deep breath to respond. No doubt that she was trying to keep herself grounded to deal with me in a professional manner.
“I’m sorry ma’am but I can’t” She responded in a definitive tone. “They aren’t even calling other patients to the back right now. And aside from that our policy clearly states that infants aren’t allowed past the waiting room unless they are the patient.”
It was obvious that she wasn’t letting me past those doors. Twisting on my heel, I walked right back towards the emergency room exit. “Who do they think they are? Stopping me from going back there. I’m her daughter!”, I mumbled out loud for both myself and the audience that had so nosily made our family drama their entertainment.
Once I made it outside, I noticed my mom’s neighbor, Dana. She was standing at the light pole nervously smoking a cigarette. Assuming she may be able to give me a little more information, I stalked up next to her. With tears of frustration in my eyes, I explained what happened in the emergency room. Dana couldn’t seem to offer me anything other than what I already knew. However, taking that moment to stand outside I came up with a different solution to get some answers. My eyes locked on the ambulance entrance along the side of the hospital.
I had been to this emergency department with mom enough to know that door bypassed the keypad lock to get into the patient rooms. Since Kyle (my son) was still sleeping I felt comfortable enough to leave him with Dana for a brief moment. With the security guard’s attention on the growing herd of known criminals, I slipped in through the ambulance entrance.
As I made my way around the empty nurses station, I found it strange that there was nobody sitting there. That is until walking up to what had to be my mother’s room. I froze and watched the chaos unfold as multiple doctors brushed past me conversing about stabilizing someone who coded. “What does that mean?” I thought to myself. Every nurse was huddled into my mother’s room. Some were working on her IV, some were running from here to there grabbing supplies, and others were busy taking direction from respiratory specialists. They were trying hard to get my mom connected to a ventilator.
That huge machine dominated the better part of the room. There was a long tube that went into her mouth and down into her lungs. Her chest rose and fell in the most unnatural and painful looking manner I had ever seen. The accordion style bubble on top rose and fell at the same pace her chest did. A quick tug on my shoulder snapped me out of a trance of confusion.
“Excuse me!” The nurse exclaimed. “Who let you in here? You aren’t supposed to be back here.”
I snapped back into defense mode and straightened my back to meet her with intensity.
“Nobody did, I came in through the ambulance doors. That’s my mom in that bed and somebody better tell me what the hell is wrong! Look at her.”
I pushed past her to point in mom’s room. Her authoritative vibe faded into one of pity. “I have no information right now.” She lowered her voice to a whisper, careful not to grab the attention of her boss across the room. “We are doing everything we can to get her stable. The doctors are working to to get her body to stop fighting the ventilator. Please step back outside until someone comes to get you. I don’t want security to come because they won’t let you back in later.”
A rush of air slapped my back as the double doors closed behind me. I quietly grabbed Kyle and went sit alone on the side of the building. Dana studied me, but didn’t dare ask what happened inside. I let a few silent tears stream down my cheeks to release the pent up sadness that was brewing under the surface. My shoulders slumped over and I rocked the infant impulsively. I heard the sound of jingling keys and heavy footsteps approaching me. Quickly wiping my eyes so that no one would see my tears, I lifted my head to see the security guard.
“I just saw you come through the ambulance entrance. You can’t go through those doors. That is for staff and emergency personnel only.” He warned me.
“Yea I know. You aren’t the first person to tell me that in a two minute time span. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” I knew I had to swallow my pride or I would be thrown off of hospital property. There would be no information if I were sitting in a jail cell for trespassing.
“That’s your only warning.” He pointed his finger and locked eyes with me.
“Yes sir, I understand.”
I couldn’t stand to sit there any longer. I was so caught up in getting answers that I didn’t know where my Granny had gone. I scanned the parking lot, but couldn’t find her. The rowdy crowd was growing louder by the second and my racing thoughts matched its’ chaos. The glimpse I had gotten of her, my heart knew this time was different. There was a palpable sense of urgency in that emergency department. I knew she wasn’t faking it or trying to be creative for her fix. I saw her face briefly and her eyes looked so different. For months I watched helplessly as her physical appearance deteriorated under the control of those pills. The one thing that hadn’t changed was her eyes. I knew if I looked past the pain in her eyes, my mom was still in there. But not today. Her eyes were fixed straight. They were open, but she wasn’t there. I knew she heard me raising hell to get to her and yet she never turned to look at me. All I could think about was how ugly I was on the phone with her earlier. I didn’t even tell her I loved her. We always said ‘I love you’ before hanging up, and this time she hung up before.
I had to get away from the noise. Silencing my thoughts, I stood and picked up my baby to go wait in the waiting room. I found a chair close to the emergency room doors. I leaned forward resting my elbows on my knees and held my face in my hands. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to be. I couldn’t imaging losing my mother. I let my thoughts drift to a time before this lifestyle had hijacked us. How did we get here?