This has been a week of enlightenment. Someone recently asked me my opinion about something I feel strong about. I’ve grown enough to know that my opinion may not be the same as everyone else but it doesn’t make my feelings invalid or less than. I am only in control of myself and my choices. My mother’s addiction set the stage for dysfunctional relationships long before her passing. No amout of lapsed time will make that dynamic expire.
Growth is painful. True growth does not come without growing pains. This past decade has revealed that. There was a time I would have vented about this current situation to a friend and kept my opinion from the one who asked solely because we share the same blood. Specific roles must be filled in order for addiction to thrive in a family unit. My role was the ‘caretaker’. I wanted to keep everyone happy and safe regardless of the backlash on my own mental health.
I am learning to let go of people who pull me backwards. It’s been a strenuous search to find my true self. This woman I see now when I look in the mirror, I love her! I respect her! I’m gentle with her! And above all else, I WILL protect her and I REFUSE to lose her. There is nothing to gain in making myself smaller to accommodate others. That’s not healthy for me. My codependency is in check. I’m healing. No matter how slow or how many times I slip this is the path I’m meant to walk.
The unity of this recovery community gives me reassurance. Reassurance that the ones who have worn the same shoes know my heart and respect my hustle. They understnd what I stand for and that keeps my footing solid. It’s hard to put my truth out there sometimes when I’m being bombarded with threats. But what I’ve learned is that those who have done you wrong will try their hardest to paint you in a light that makes them look like the victim.
Not everybody who started with you will finish with you. The path to success and true peace is a narrow, winding, and uphill battle. There is no room to drag others with you when it’s clear their path doesn’t run parallel with yours. Where I’m headed is such a steep climb, I can no longer afford to carry someone else when they aren’t ready. We each have our own paths to walk. It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother father sister brother aunt uncle…. you get the idea. If their presence isn’t adding to my life in equal amounts as it takes from it then it’s time to cut ties. I’ll NEVER feel guilty about cutting people off when they handed me the scissors. Hell yes it hurts. I would be lying if I said it didn’t. But trust me when I say it will hurt a lot worse to lose myself again. And I already know what that feels like. Here’s to the next chapter. Literally