“Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still”
What if?
Those two words have driven me absolutely bat shit crazy for quite some time. Today’s reading in The Language of Letting Go shed some light on this for me and I found it fitting to share my thoughts.
As long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to work with people who share a similar past as me. Mine is filled with addiction, abuse, and trauma in general. I can remember sitting with my middle school counselor trying to get to the bottom of a petty argument between myself and another girl. She called me out. “Your response and anger to this conflict is clearly overboard. There has to be something else going on with you.”
We talked and talked for the better part of the school day. I wouldn’t give too much insight to my home life. The “what ifs” kept me so guarded. What if what I told someone would break up our family? What if it would push my mom to get help? What if she hated me for telling? What if I’m open about my self-esteem issues and the fact that they stem from sexual abuse? What if my abuser goes to jail? What if nobody believes me? What if it’s determined that it’s my fault? I could go on all day. But one thing I knew even way back then without question is what I wanted to do with my life.
When she asked me that day what I wanted to do as a profession when I grew up, there was no hesitation. “I want to do what you do. I want to work with young adults and counsel people who have similar experiences as me.” She almost had me right there. I almost spilled all the beans. But that was as far as I went.
Monday morning will be my first day of school. (Pursuing a bachelor in psychology) I went the long way around. Wasting so much time because of the what ifs. I spent years going around, under, over, and any other avenue I could find to deal with my past. The answer was right in front of me, GO THROUGH IT. Feel through it. Who cares how others respond to MY life. I knew that pursuing a degree that will allow me to counsel others will force me to feel through and acknowledge everything I’ve ever felt. That’s what has taken me so long to do it. I sat frozen in time because of others possible responses to my life. I refuse to ask what if anymore. I’m just going through it. I’ll lose a few people along the way I’m sure and that’s ok. What if someone doesn’t like what I have to say or what I’m doing? Who cares! Writing this book and pursuing a career that feeds my soul and gives me purpose is the final piece to my healing puzzle. So no matter how fast or slow you go, don’t slow yourself down further with what ifs!