So I’ve been pretty emotional since yesterday. My mom has been on my mind and I find the tears just falling. I couldn’t figure out where it’s coming from. And now I do. Yesterday I was able to tell my son that his adoption is FINALLY actually happening. That his biological dad signed his part of the paperwork to allow the adoption to go smooth and hopefully faster. When I told him, he was so happy. Then he asked me how I knew. I told him I saw his dad and saw him sign. Immediately he asked if he will ever be able to see him. I told him as of right now, no. He is very deep in addiction and not doing well. But hopefully one day they will have a different story.
Maybe this adoption will be the life event that helps him to turn his life around. Then my son tells me, “Maybe if he just sees me it’ll make him want to do better.” My heart sank. I explained how when someone has an addiction like this, there is nothing that can make them change. It’s a very serious medical condition at this point and he needs a lot of help. Ongoing help if he were to come out of it. His next words….. “Maybe I have enough in my savings account to get him some help.”
This made me feel like I just had all my wind knocked out of me. I couldn’t understand why it was bothering me so bad. Obviously you don’t want your child to feel this. I see him taking an adult situation and assuming responsibility to find a solution. I’m seeing now that even though Jeremy and I have shielded him in every way, shape, and form that addiction is still touching my son. And I realized that I see myself in him.
I see myself 11 years ago, holding my moms hands pleading with her “Why am I not enough? Why are we not enough for you to have straightened up?” I lost her to addiction. And I’ve spent the last 11 years working through these feelings. And every time i think I’ve got it under control….. I don’t. I saw that same confusion and hurt in my sons eyes when we had this conversation.
You think it’s such a simple decision. To someone who isn’t an addict, it’s easy. I told him: “Your dad loves you enough to let Jeremy not only emotionally be your dad, but legally now too. And that’s a beautiful thing. I know it doesn’t make sense now, but one day you will understand the whole situation. If anybody knows how you feel, I definitely do.” Addiction sucks. All I can do at this point is continue to explain that I know his Dad loves him. Addiction is a disease and it’s very unfortunate and unfair. Life is not fair.
There is an underlying theme of tragedy here. It’s beautiful that my son has a father figure, and has for the last 9 years. It’s phenomenal that we are blessed to have this sense of security. But it is still a tragedy that things didn’t play out the way I had hoped they would. Nobody ever goes into a relationship thinking this would be the outcome. You never foresee an absent parent, whether it’s a chunk of time or full time. You never foresee someone being overtaken by addiction and circumstances.
I am ecstatic that my husband will be adopting my son, and I look forward to the rest of our lives with this wonderful man who chose to not only love me, but love my son also. I pray this is the beginning of our happy ending. The beginning of breaking this chain. I also hope and pray that my ex finds and keeps his sobriety. Ultimately one day having the relationship they both deserve with each other.