Have you ever struggled with the phrase “tough love”? I sure have. When you love someone who struggles with addiction those two words get thrown around pretty loosely. I have an issue with these words at the moment. My struggles with loving an addict are far from over. I have an immediate family member who is struggling right now. Is she a full blown addict? Or is she just regularly abusing a wide range of drugs? I don’t know. What I do know at this moment is that her life has become unmanageable. She can’t keep up with basic necessities such as food, clothing, shelter, and hygiene products. That is where this lifestyle has brought her. Living from house to house and sometimes in the streets. From the outside looking in it’s so obvious what is going on. And if you have ever lived it yourself it is even more apparent.
I know what you’re thinking. If this is immediate family why aren’t you doing something? The thing is, I’ve tried. I’ve cried countless tears, made phone calls, applied for housing, bought food, found rehab facilities, found homeless shelters, and I’ve begged/rationalized with her til I’m blue in the face. She isn’t ready to pump the breaks. Denial is her number one tool at the moment. This kills me. More than I care to admit. You would think after going through this with my mother and also my ex husband I would be a pro at handling it. But the truth is this shit hurts. When I need to unload my thoughts and worries on someone I get told in multiple ways to accept that she needs tough love right now. I get that and I’m willing to give it to her.
However tough love is not an excuse to be a mean person. I think somewhere down the line “tough love” got twisted. Just because someone is making bad choices or choices that I don’t agree with it doesn’t give me the right to treat them as less than a human. No it’s not my responsibility to make sure she has food, clothing, and shelter. And I do not dare assert myself there. Keeping my codependency in check while allowing myself to feel through this is crucial for my own mental health. I can only do what I can live with. I won’t help with any sort of expectation attached. Expectations set me up for a ride on the codependent crazy train. And you can bet your ass I’ll be the conductor (the person in charge of the entire train including passengers).
With that said, I am careful not to enforce my boundaries in a way that would stop her from reaching out when she is ready. I have said ‘no’ enough that she understands I am not stupid. I refuse to be played for a dummy or used as a steady resource for her to continue down this path. I won’t make her drug use easier for her by supplying all the necessities. But if once every few weeks she asks me for something to eat, I probably won’t deny her that. Depending on the situation of course. Tough love doesn’t mean cutting all contact and resources from her. She isn’t toxic to me. I do not fear for my physical safety if I speak with her. In some instances I see family treating their loved ones like they have some contagious disease. And if they don’t do exactly what they say in regards to sobriety then they dish out punishments.
I also understand that there are situations that require cutting all contact. Sometimes these relationships are just toxic for everyone involved. So please don’t take what I’m saying here as a cookie cutter answer. Because there is none. I have been in relationships where I had to close the door. There’s no real way to know what the right answer is. You have to do what is best for you. So don’t let someone else define for you what “tough love” should be. You don’t want to prevent them from feeling the consequences of their own choices. But you also don’t want to take away the human element either. Sometimes a little love, compassion, and empathy can go a long way. Tough love isn’t called that because you have to be tough or hard on someone. It’s called that because accepting you are not in control and you can’t fix this situation for them is TOUGH! And it’s harder if you are dealing with it alone.
If you or someone you know is struggling please reach out. There is a community here willing and ready to be there for you.