Scrolling through facebook yesterday and I came across a post that was eerily similar to my own story. Children are not given credit for our full capability to understand. When you grow up this way, you have to work twice as hard to change your own outcome. Everyday is a mental battle that you wouldn’t understand unless you lived it yourself. The addiction/recovery community is divided into an obvious 2 categories- active addiction or active recovery. But I am here to show you that there is in fact a third group affected by addiction. And that’s us- the children. Both minor and adult who are even more so affected sometimes than the addict in an active downward spiral.
I realized my mom was “sick” at the young age of 8. In 3rd grade I could tell you every pill my mom used as well as it’s “code name.” I remember deciphering every single one of her phone calls, dreading what came next. After the call came a visit from a “friend” or a drive to their house. Today I can even drive to those “friends.”
I can still feel the fear I felt as I sat in a car parked in the dark alley in the middle of the night when my mom ran inside for a visit with her “friend.” Sometimes I was lucky enough to sit alone in a kitchen or living room as they had their secret meeting behind closed doors. Little did she know that I knew death was being exchanged… in the form of white and blue, bars, oval, and circles…
The fear continued on the way home as the car would swerve in and out of the lanes and I, constantly reminding my mom to stay awake. Her reply was always the same “I’m just tired, I didn’t sleep last night…” Sometimes we made it home unscathed. Sometimes there was one less stop sign standing… but that was just because she swerved to miss the animal that ran in front of the car. Yes, police officer, I saw it, she hit the pole to save the animal… I had learned the unique ability to turn a lie into the truth… so much so I believed that lie with all of my being and others did too. Thanks mom.
Home should have been safe… well physically I was safe but emotionally and mentally I lived in fear. I couldn’t sleep, I sat up till the early hours of the morning begging my mom to just lay down!!! Like a pendulum she swayed back and forth with her chin in her chest. Then like a magnet her forehead started to be pulled to the coffee table. “MOM… wake up!” She claimed tiredness… but I knew those nods, the sway… and the drool were results of the Xs and blues. She clearly did not give them enough credit…
Just like the time we were walking out of Sears and my excitement for my brand new winter boots was quickly exchanged for fear my mother would die. I remember following behind her as she went to push the glass doors open to leave and then with all her weight she fell against mine, onto the floor… convulsing, foaming, gasping. I stood there helpless, quickly consulting with myself whether to share her secret when the paramedics arrived. Again, credit was due to those Xs and blues, but… wait, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe she just sick? Yes, she’s sick… I will just let them do their job. What are those paddles, why is her face blue??? Now they are shocking her… is she dying??!? Seconds felt like hours, but eventually they had her sitting up… she was alive… maybe this will make her stop, no more bad pills… Her response to the incident… “I have a seizure disorder, it just happens…” I knew the truth, but her lies were easier to swallow.
Within the same year I learned my moms hard truth, my hard truth, but I also learned to cope with lies… so when you think your kids can’t see the truth because they don’t say anything… I guarantee you they see it, but they are simply demonstrating the very skill you taught them… Deception.
– Moms, your life is not your own. I understand we are imperfect beings that all have unique challenges, but your choices, your deception WILL effect a child for the rest of their life. While they can learn to heal and live functionally, the damage you can cause can never be undone. Whether its drugs, dysfunctional relationships, crime, lies, even uncontrolled anger… YOU need to shape up and lead by example.
