Scrolling through Pinterest this morning and I came across this quote: “When you’re willing to feel it, you’re ready to heal it.” If that doesn’t ring true for me, I don’t know what does. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Lots of highs and even a few lows. When I launched this blog site, I knew the emotional obstacles that would come with it. Knowing that I should be prepared for adversity, and I also knew that I had to be willing to take the gloves off and fight bare knuckles so-to-speak.
As I let this quote just run through my mind throughout the day, I realized how this same principle applies to so many addicts out there. I am not proud to say that I have dabbled in substance abuse. Marijuana and certain pills were available at a young age. My first time trying any illegal drug was with my mother and her husband in Jr High. Until then I had always been against it. I saw what it did to them and it scared me. But, I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to feel accepted.
This began a constant battle of the mind for me. I was torn between thinking it was ok in small doses and knowing better. Over the years I had grown to be a very anxious person. I had lots of stomach trouble. It was hard for me to eat and when I could I would end up sick. So marijuana solved that problem for me. I could relax. I could sleep. I could eat. And I even felt more comfortable in our home. I was closer to my mom and step-dad. We could all relate to one another.
My anxiety stemmed from a string of events as a young child. One of the more critical things had been abuse. I had been abused sexually since the age of about 7 years old. I remember the first time and I remember the most intense time-after that it became normal. I became emotionally numb. I had been taught to go to your parents if someone hurt you.
Their way of dealing with it was my step dad throwing him around the house, followed by me sleeping in their bedroom for a few days. Then I was sent right back to sleep in the room with him. Where the abuse continued. I learned at an early age that you can’t tell. I bottled everything up. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder. I fought in school. I had become withdrawn from close family. I was an emotional roller coaster. Crying one minute and fine the next. All the classic signs of a child with much more lurking just beneath the surface. But I could never bring myself to talk to anyone other than my best friend. It didn’t pay. Or so I thought.
I’m not saying that I was sexually abused because my parents had an addiction. You can’t control what other people do. People from all different walks of life have suffered abuse. But, I am saying that emotionally my situation was never dealt with. These drugs had completely hijacked my mother. The mother that I knew, would have moved Heaven and Earth to make sure this was dealt with and never happened again. I was told “What happens in this house, stays in this house.” It was nobody else’s business.
Everyone experiences hard times throughout their lives. There are periods that you never want to live through again. We all have them. I was groomed to respond by self-medicating. I followed by example as a teenager, even though I knew better. I didn’t want to feel. The fact that it was my parents giving it to me, made it easier to justify in my mind.
I didn’t want to be alone in my own head. Victim to my own thoughts. I wouldn’t have to relive the years of abuse in my mind. I wouldn’t have to wake up exhausted from nightmares all night long. As I got older, I put myself in some sketchy situations. I didn’t keep the best company. Sometimes I wonder how I didn’t turn out worse than what I did.
I know that the only reason I was spared is because these periods of self-medicating for me were short lived. I could always tell when things were getting out of hand and just stop. I was lucky to have that option. So many don’t. There is no handbook that says when your body will flip the switch from recreational use to full-blown dependency.
This leads me to believe that there is almost always something deeper for someone struggling with addiction. Whether it’s depression, bi-polar, anxiety, or like me-a mixture of these things. If you just dig deep then you can get to the root of the problem.It took me years to figure out why I couldn’t heal. It was because as soon as I would start to really feel it, I would mask it with partying, friends, extra hours at work, or whatever I could find to push it back down. Sometimes healing your pain hurts just as bad as the original wound. But if you push through, the peace you feel is irreplaceable.
I thank God EVERY DAY that I never had to know what it’s like to have a physical dependency. But I know what it’s like to have an emotional one. It’s easier not to feel. We all want to feel the good in life (the highs), but nobody wants to feel the lows. This last week has shown me that you can’t heal until you are ready to feel. Both the good and the bad. And when a situation taps into those old wounds and it doesn’t send you completely spiraling, then you are on the mend.
You have to walk in darkness to appreciate the light.